Where is Joy? Has she left the house?

When I started this post, Joy was nowhere to be found.  She'd come to stay a while back now, around about the same time as Lucy and Ethan.  It was great to see her again, especially as she'd said she wouldn't be back unless there was something to come back for - so, surprise, surprise, when I mentioned the new grandson, she immediately arrived.

I think she doesn't like to be left out on things; well, things that matter to her, that is.  There are heaps of things she avoids becoming involved in.  She doesn't tolerate sadness at all well, she gets furious when she senses anger and simply leaves without saying a word to anyone.  Can't really blame her, I don't like it either, but, to be honest, if Joy were around all the time, I think I'd get tired of her and I don't want to ruin our relationship, after all, she's really a pleasure to have around and I welcome her company.  I'm amused by her too, I'm sure she's an extravert by nature as she seems to enjoy company, but, by the same token, she's happy to be quiet and soak in the pleasure of small things, like a sunset, or a rainbow.  She loves those.  Makes me take photographs of them all the time.  I've included a few here.   I keep telling her that they're really all the same - rainbows at least - but she assures me they are not.  It's lucky that one can store photos in the cloud now because otherwise I'd have books and books of sunsets.  Cobwebs are another thing she gets a bit tied up with.

She was sweet the other day when she came with us to visit the second grandchild.  A tiny girl, only weighing 6lb 3oz (Joy's a bit like me, can't do metric when it comes to babies), with dark hair and tiny features.  She's long, but tiny.  So like her mother - my daughter -  Joy reminded me, as she peeked over my shoulder at this tiny, small, vulnerable being, wrapped snugly in a blanket I'd knitted for her.  Joy wants to say the silliest things sometimes, gets quite sentimental.  I let her, of course, because it's easier that way.  Sometimes I just don't get the words out, myself, so it's good that Joy can do that.

Joy's been around for a few days now.  She makes me smile.

I miss her when she's not here.

Vincent Van Gogh

When I was a child and saw Vincent's famous 'Sunflowers' painting, I fell in love with it.  My Dad bought me a print which I hung on my wall throughout my teenage years when suffering was 'de rigeur'.  I came across this amazing collage of his paintings, set to Don McLean's "Starry Starry Night".

Am just posting it here, so I don't lose it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkvLq0TYiwI

Dear Mum

Dear Mum,
It's been years since I last wrote to you.  I remember when I was at school, everyone would write home once a week and, of course, how we all waited so impatiently for the post delivered by Matron once a day at lunch-time.  I loved getting your letters.  Then when I was overseas, doing my OE (overseas experience - what they call today, a gap year), you wrote every week as well.  I remember you and Dad had a terrible flu and how cross you were in one of your letters as I hadn't acknowledged how ill you both were, but had simply asked for more money.  Still, at least you both gave up smoking.

When I married, you wrote weekly.  When we went overseas to live, you wrote weekly.  Then, just as the internet was starting to weave its magic around the world, you died.  You would have been quite up with the play, email would have held no qualms for you, I know.  You'd have had a computer, then a laptop, and a smart phone by now.  You'd have loved keeping in touch with the girls, too.  You know, Mum, they're both married now and you're a great-grandmother and about to become one again.  You would love the new little grandson, Ethan.  How you would love his dear little face, his laughter, his almost desperate desire to be on the move all the time.  He's just like his mother - remember how she was so keen to be up and running before she'd even learned to crawl?  He looks like her too; blue eyes, blond hair.

And you would love to know about C and their baby, due the same month as your birthday; who knows, it might even be on the same day!  I know you would have been busy sewing, quilting, patchworking for them both.  I've done my best, but it's not nearly as good as your timeless quality quilts.  I look at the ones I have; the ones you said were to go to each daughter.  I haven't given them to them yet.  Just waiting til they've got the right rooms for them.  I will never be a patchworker or a quilter; not the same as you were.  I don't sew much these days - but I did knit for Ethan when he was a newborn.  I'll get out the needles again for the new baby and for something for Ethan for winter.  They're Nan's needles - yes, I have her knitting needle bag, I even have the old bakelite wool holder - remember it?  Yellow, with a hole in the top for the wool to come out, and a blue ribbon.  I never threw that away; and I also have your needles, your patchwork material, loads of old hexagon patches that I think you must have given up on.  I used a few in the quilt that I made for the cot that Ethan has.  I made them into large hexagons and stitched them by hand onto the material.  Everything was done by hand.  I did it for you, really.  The same as today when I made pots and pots of crab-apple jelly, just as you used to do.  And Nan used to, too.

It's funny how these things get passed down.  At the time, they seem of no consequence whatsoever.  But somehow they are all rooted deep within one's psyche, and there comes a natural time when you just do them without even thinking.  I wonder if my girls will remember and do the same.  I notice Lucy is making all Ethan's baby meals and taking great pride in doing so.  She emails me, or sends pixts of what she is doing.  You would have loved that - can you imagine receiving a picture on your phone, or even a video clip?  It's immediate.  And it's such a wonderful way of keeping in touch.  Which is why I haven't written, really. But I write to you in my head, every day.  And I know you answer because I see you in my dreams.

With love,
xoxo

Bones again

Ok.  It's now 6 months after the knee and 9 months after the hip operations.  The knee is really great!  It's hard to believe, but the pain has gone, the flexibility is there (although kneeling is still difficult and sore), the swelling has gone and the scar is fading.  It's almost impossible to believe especially as the first few months I felt as though I would never be back to normal.  I'm so pleased with the knee.

But something has happened with the hip.  I believe it's the psoas ligament which is causing pain when I raise my leg, get into the car, go up steps, and when I walk uphill.  It's no so bad walking on level ground, but it is debilitating and although I didn't notice it after my operation (perhaps I thought it was all part of the healing, and perhaps it was disguised a little by the recovery period after the next operation), it is noticeable now.  I went to have a cortisone injection which my surgeon advised, but unfortunately it didn't work.  I now face having a bone scan to discount an problems with the bones, and then a cutting of the actual ligament.  The end result will mean continued problems with going up steps (and climbing), but other ligaments will come into play and presumably help strengthen the hip.  It seems this is likely as the surgeon doesn't think there is anything else wrong.  The operation isn't as simple as I'd anticipated; it is a 2-3 day stay in hospital with rehabilitation taking up to 3 more months.  I am not terribly happy, but what else can I do?

Ok... Here's the postscript:
I grew more and more concerned with the thought of having the psoas tendon cut so I asked a retired physio her opinion and thank God that I did.  She recommended deep pressure massage, something I'd not thought about or considered, and certainly something that my surgeon had thought about.    After an hour long massage and therapy, I felt 50% better.  Next day I was 80% better, and so far, each day has shown a real improvement.  It's only been a week, but I am just so relieved to have had this 'rescue'.

Here's the question:
Why is one not offered all these alternatives, or given different options? 

Something for the Soul - Il Divo

I love this music, it is so vital.  I love watching these beautiful people!  I've listened to this frequently and the words of Amazing Grace still work; they teach the meaning of 'grace'. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GYMLMj-SibU
And besides, I love the bagpipes!

So tired of my bones - Week 10

So, so tired.  The knee is taking such a long time to get back to normal.  Of course "everyone" says that the knee is worse than the hip, but how many of them have had both done in the course of 6 months? 

So tired of all the advice, none of which is "good" and all of which is based usually on hearsay.  So tired of feeling tired, especially after exercising.  The best time of the day is early morning when the knee hasn't had a chance to swell, the scar looks as though it's fading (10 weeks) and there is a good feeling of well-being.  Of course, all that depends on whether there's been a good night's sleep preceeding it.  I weaned myself off sleeping pills at week 9 although I didn't force the issue.  If I felt I couldn't sleep, then I simply took a pill.  Then, fairly suddenly, the body just got back into a rhythm of sleeping.  But turning over means waking to place the knee or hip carefully... and sleeping in strange beds (yes, even at my age) plays havoc. 

The feet are still sore and tender and occasionally the knee will spazz on me and nearly put me on the ground.  Recovery is slow.  Instead of a daily realisation of improvement in strength, as with the hip, this is more a fortnightly realisation, such as that I may not have to swing my knee a couple of times to unclick it before getting into the car, or that I can clamber up the stairs without clinging with both hands to the handrail. 

There have been no New Year's Resolutions this year.  Little point, really, when recovery is first and foremost on my mind.  The only good thing has been an unanticipated weight-loss through the feeling of constant nausea.  Sorry to say that has gone away and the appetite is back, but am hopeful I can keep the weight away. 

Went to aqarobics this morning and the knee is very tender now.  Muscles in both legs are sore along with the arms.  Which proves how good the exercise is for one.  If only the chlorine didn't make the skin super-sensitive.

So, week 10: 

• walking better, but rolling gait.  Need more physio.
• Swimming and aqarobics are good, strong exercises
• Still feel sorry for myself, wishing I could be back to normal
• Tiredness still there, even though diet and sleep and exercise are good
• Walking up stairs help to strengthen the quads
• Need stronger quads - can't stand on one leg and balance - or walk up stairs without lunging at the handrail
• Rest quite a bit with leg up - watching stupid tv like Come Dine with Me
• Find it difficult to concentrate for long on any subject
• Sitting on hard chairs is uncomfortable.
• Driving is fine, but cramped in one position is very uncomfortable
• Can't get up from chairs quickly. That includes the loo.
• Still clicks and graunches!

Time, as they say, will tell.  I'll keep an eye on it for you.